Family dynamics are defined as “the patterns of interactions among relatives, their roles and relationships, and the various factors that shape their interactions.” Shared experiences that shape your family’s history help to define who you are and how you interact with each other and the world. When a loved one is diagnosed with dementia, even the sturdiest family dynamics can shift, rearrange, or become a source of tension amongst other relatives. These changing dynamics can magnify tensions already present or lead to worse outcomes in care.
“ When someone gets sick or disabled, it tests your values and how you communicate and handle a crisis together. ”
Grace Whiting, National Alliance on Caregiving
Stepping into familiar roles
When multiple family members like siblings step into the caregiving role, dynamics from childhood can resurface old wounds and cause us to fall back to old behaviors and patterns. Below are some common roles:
- The peacekeeper attempts to keep the peace no matter what is going on
- The scapegoat is the one known as the “problem child” or “difficult one”
- The caretaker tries to placate chaos as much as possible, often an enabler
- The mascot uses humor/ talents/personality to ease stress and distract from problems
- The hero overachieves to overcompensate for difficulties, create a sense of “normal”
- The lost child keeps quiet and avoids drawing attention
Even if we have worked individually to break our patterns, the stress of being a care partner can allow familiar roles and negative dynamics to reappear.
Taking a team approach
When navigating a loved one’s care as a family, it’s important to not only understand your role in the group dynamic but to understand and appreciate the roles that are taken on by other family members, too. At CBV, we often remind each other that “it takes a village” to provide the best care possible; for a village to thrive, all members should be equally respected and appreciated for their unique contribution to the dynamic. Dementia guru Teepa Snow provides a list of tips for working with siblings who share a loved one with dementia:
- Recognize that you may have differing experiences—While one sibling may be close by and sees every small change, a sibling across the country may enjoy weekly phone calls and does not experience the same stressors another sibling does. Instead of stewing about a sibling being “in denial” or trying to make them see what you do, focus on what help you would like from them
- Approach with curiosity, not accusations—If one sibling feels under-appreciated by another, it may be difficult to approach them about your concerns especially if you are noticing changes in your loved one’s condition. Teepa recommends instead of accusations, ask questions. Start by sharing an observation you’ve made and ask them for their opinion. You’re opening a dialogue and expressing interest in their emotional state, too, and creating the opportunity for them to do the same
- Don’t be a boss, be a partner—Even if you are the primary care partner or the Power of Attorney for a loved one with dementia, managing their care goes best when families use a team approach. With no coach or captain, every “player” on the team shares an essential role to its success. One way to do this is by changing “YOU” statements to “WE.” For example, instead of “You need manage mom’s appointments better,” say “We’ve got to figure out a better way to manage all of mom’s appointments—her schedule can get hectic.”
- Utilize the right strategies—The way we speak to someone matters as much as what we say. Visit teepasnow.com for more tools about communicating with your care partners using a more positive approach
- Seek out support —Support does not have to come from family alone. Faith-based organizations, support groups, and agencies like the Alzheimer’s Association can create the pillars that support you as you support your loved one
